Lately. I’ve been scared of dying This fear. This feeling. It comes and goes. But this time around it’s happening In S L O Some off-duty grocery store person got uncomfortably close to me while I was in the check out line. I created a boundary and he once again crossed. I laughed. I asked him; "do you feel better about yourself?" “Oh? I’m listening to a podcast.” He chuckles. “Right.” I say He chuckles again. I ignore him. He shoves me. I ignore him Then I decide to leave the line and store altogether. I shoulder checked him on my way out, because he once again invaded my space. I walk to another store. The clerk can tell I’m bothered right away. I tell him it’s been an interesting night. “In a good way?”, he asks. “Not really.” I explain. I told him what happened. I told him it’s one of my regular stores. He says “that sounds scary. Next time talk to the manager.” I go back home. I still felt the weirdo grocery guy’s body close to mine. I hate it. I don’t want to feel it. I still feel it. I go to sleep. I wake up still disappointed. I lift weights I meditate. I contemplate. I still remember the grocery guy. I have to go buy food. I walk. A heavy-duty pick-up truck picks up speed when they see me walk down the street They pull into my driveway. I don’t think they know it’s my driveway. I’m annoyed that he drove 60 + MPH in a residential neighborhood. I pause. I can’t keep walking because I hate that I feel unsafe so soon after I’m processing other feelings of unsafe. It’s too much. I’m still walking to get food. I start to cry a little bit. I know we all have to die I don’t want to die at the hands of indifference or recklessness I know we don’t always have a choice. I just bought a matcha latte. I sit down to type this all out. The tears come back they’re stronger. I move to a table outside. No people yet. I can’t stop crying. It feels good though. I need to release I breathe, the tears continue to fall. As I write and cry I feel better I feel true I cross the street to pick up my food. I’m still crying. I wipe away the tears to pick up my order, “Soul Miso”. The food person says, “I hope you have a nice day.” “Thank you”, I say. I walk out. I sip my latte. I still feel all the feelings. I see a little league coach with his kid. I want to say something funny to the coach to make him smile or make him feel confused or something . But I’m Pretty sure I’m gonna cry again. I cross the street. The tears come back stronger. I’m full on crying as I am walking down the street. There’s usually throngs of college kids on this street Not right now. I like that I can cry without visible judgement I stay focused on my quick walk home. I’m listening to Beautiful Chorus. I’m crying so strongly. I think about my granny. I think about how this silly little California town will never feel like home no matter how hard I try I am 3 houses away from my place. The crying reaches its peak which surprises me- I thought I already reached that point a block earlier. I embrace it. I realize this is the first time I openly cried while walking down the street It doesn’t feel as embarrassing as I thought; it feels cathartic. I make it home. And the giant truck is back. Turns out- it’s my neighbors and they are moving (they rented a truck). They are some of my favorite neighbors I’ve ever had. Very kind and very gentle people. I feel less upset about the truck. They do drive kinda crazy sometimes. They tell me they’re moving out the next day “Back to New York!” He says. I feel excited for them. I also feel less sad because everything is really going to keep changing forever We can’t fight it unless we want to guarantee a loss and although loss is inevitable I prefer to surrender
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